My
husband
and I have been foster parents for over twenty years. We
decided to open our home to children, said to have special needs. We
began foster parenting with the intention of adoption this time, most
likely one or two older children.
I
received a call one day from the organization we were working with, asking if
we would take two young boys ages 2 and 4 who needed a more
structured environment and a therapeutic home.
We didn't have
much information about the two boys just that they had a lot of
behavior problems. I only really spoke to one of the foster Mom's who
told me some of the behavior problems mostly with our oldest.
We
had two home visits with the boys. Tyler was very hyper and talkative
he ran into the house demanding to know where "his" room
was at. He knew his parents rights were going to be terminated and
was under the impression we would be adopting him even though he
didn't really know what that meant. He would hit me and then ask if
he was being bad. I would tell him it isn't nice to hit.
Stephen
was wild also but didn't speak he said only one word Momma anytime I
would leave the room he would run after me yelling Momma! Momma! He
was a sweet and very affectionate child. I rocked him to sleep but he
wouldn't stay in bed no matter what I did so I finally ended up
putting him in bed with my husband and I so we could get some sleep.
The foster Mom told me she just put him in his bed and he went to
sleep, he didn't do that in our home.
We were snowed in for two extra
days, Tyler was off his medication for for those extra days. I
was hit, kicked and bitten by him both on and off his medication.
Both of the boys were pretty wild and ran through the house
rampantly. I had to be in the same room as they were the entire time. I was exhausted
by the time they went back to the foster home they were living in.
We didn't know at this time the boys
had fetal alcohol syndrome. One of the few things we marked saying we
would not be able to deal with in a child we adopted, having had a foster child years before
who we later realized had FAS/FASD.
On the way to take the boys back to the foster home they were
living in, Tyler was very loud and rude in the
van. He kicked the back of my seat and was being mean to the other
children. I finally told him if he was going to be rude I wouldn't
talk to him. He screamed and threw fits, it seemed the closer we got
to the foster home the worse he became he cussed a couple of times
and we ignored him. We had been warned about the cussing before the
visit but rarely heard any from him.
The two year old, Stephen, sat
very quietly in his car seat not speaking at all. He seemed to be
zoned out after having run so wild in our home. At two, this child
was small for his age and looked about one, he acted more like a one
year old also.
After the first visit, we honestly didn't know
if we could do this. It was really hard and took a lot out of me to
keep up with the two of them. We found out two of our other foster
children were being moved out. I wanted very badly to do a second
visit as I already felt an attachment to the boys. My husband
reluctantly agreed only because two of our older foster children were
to be moved in with a relative.
We did the second visit with
much the same results right down to getting snowed in. By this time I
had been told that Tyler was diagnosed with Attention deficit
disorder. That was the only real information we had on him. Stephen
supposedly had asthma and had to have breathing treatments. That
wasn't hard to do it was the only time he would sit quietly. Once
again zoned out.
Tyler(4)
and Stephen (2) during our second visit Dec. 14, 2007
Once
we decided for sure that we wanted the boys, we began to look at ways
to make things easier on all of us. We still had two other foster
children at the time. In addition another teenage girl moved in about
a month before. We set up a room down stairs with toys in it, a child
size table and chairs, a TV and my computer. We put a half door in it
with a latch on the outside. I spent most of my day in this room with
the boys for the first few months. Neither of the boys knew how to
play with toys instead they threw them, jumped on them and broke
them. They tore wall paper off my walls, pulled my carpet apart and
couldn't be trusted out of our eye sight.
Dinner time was quiet a
scene neither of them used a fork or spoon they picked the food up
with their hands. Acting as though this was the first time they had
ever eaten at a table. It didn't take long for them to catch on to
using utensils.
Their behaviors became even worse when someone
would come over to the house or when we would go out. We found that
being strict on them starting out was the only thing that worked and
it still does. Many people don't understand this but they have not
seen what happens when we don't start out strict either.
We
were told by their previous foster mom we would never be able to take
them shopping, they would never be able to sit in church and we would
never be able to take them out to eat in a restaurant. After about
six months and after their baby brother came along my husband and I
were hungry and the boys needed to be fed.
My husband suggested a
pizza place and I cringed but decided to see what would happen. I had
already taken the two shopping alone and didn't have any problems.
Tyler stuck to me closely in the stores and I would place Stephen in
the cart. We went into the restaurant for the first time their eyes
wide and I could see the excitement in Tyler's eyes. We sat down and
my husband went and got all of our food since it was a buffet. The
boys did great not one problem out of either of them, they ate nicely
and didn't try to get up and run around. The baby cried as babies do,
it was a nice lunch.
Our boys came with very little, clothing
that was worn out and most of it
didn't fit either of them. We went shopping and
bought them new clothes and new toys, we were also given some toys and
good clothes for them from people
in our church. The boys were overwhelmed when we went to the store and
bought them new toys. Tyler told us they had only ever gone to Goodwill
to get toys and clothes in the foster home.
I had to sit on the floor with the boys and show them
how to play with the toys even still once I wasn't on the floor with
Tyler he would just sit. He had no imagination and he didn't know how to play. He would watch TV and
I let them eat their breakfast in the play room at the table and
chair while watching TV.
We
had to keep our knifes out of their eye sight for some reason knifes
upset them, mostly Tyler. The foster Mom had warned me about his
obsession with knives. On our visit it was close to Christmas I asked
Tyler what he wanted and he told me a knife! I tried not to show any
emotion and just asked him simply why a knife. His reply was so "I
can kill myself."
We
put the boys on a low sugar diet immediately. We tried positive
rewards with them, I put up a piece of paper with each child's name
on it and bought stickers when they were good that day, they got a
sicker to place on their page. I bought some toys at the dollar store
and put them into a large bag the boys even helped pick out some of
the toys. They were told when the papers were full of stickers then
they got to pick one of the toys inside the bag to have. This and
time out worked pretty well for several months.
Their case
worker came to see them after a couple of weeks, she couldn't believe
the difference in them. We didn't know how bad their behaviors,
mainly Tyler's, had been before they lived with us. We found out it
had been much much worse than we had been told. The oldest had been
known for leaving bruises on anyone who went to visit him. He had
poured coffee and water on people cussed at them, left a dent in one
of the ladies cars. We had not seen these behaviors in him except for
a few hits and some kicking when he was told no and threw a fit.
Tyler's counselor couldn't believe the difference in him either, in
only a couple of weeks, he was calmer and said please and thank you
to her. Everyone who had known them from the past said they were
different children and wanted to know what we had done. We we were
pro-active in their lives and gave them healthy boundaries. When
someone came to the house we kept our boundaries they soon learned we
didn't and still don't change our rules no matter who is around. In
fact at home with no one else around we are still able to be much
more flexible with them and have a lot of fun.
We
also found out Tyler's diagnoses were not only Attention deficit
hyperactive disorder but also oppositional defiant disorder, anxiety
disorder, Reactive attachment disorder and Post traumatic stress
disorder. I read on line, ordered books and learned as much as I
could about each of these.
Robert
and I were on our way to Wal-mart, nineteen days after Tyler and Stephen came to live with us, we now had
five foster children living with us! We were talking about how this
was more than we had wanted but that two of them would be moving
still but we were done taking in anymore foster children.
Thirty
minutes later I got another phone call, our boys birth mother had
given birth to another boy and they wanted to know if we would take
him. I told our case worker I would have to call her back after I
spoke to my husband. I wasn't even sure how I felt about it at this
point but I found him and told him about the baby and he immediately
and unexpectedly said well we need to keep the boys together. I
responded with so what are you saying? He said "Yes, now what do
you think about this bike?" I called the case worker back she
thought they had already taken the baby and we began shopping for a
new baby. Trying to remember what all a new baby would need was
difficult.
The birth mother had a visit with the other three
boys and while the boys were in the visit with the birth Mom we were
given the baby as a foster child. The goal is always reunification
and even though the parental rights would soon be terminated the
birth Mom signed off on the other three boys at the hearing. My
husband and I now had three out of four of the brothers in foster
care.
Our first night with Christopher (Peanut) 5lbs 13oz
Feb 20, 2008
The
baby came with his own set of challenges. He had stomach problems and
would cry a lot. He didn't like to be cradled like most babies do. He
wanted to be laid down when he was sleepy and not rocked to sleep. He
would also scream anytime he had to have his clothes changed as
though he was in horrible pain. His little bottom had two open sores
on it. I took him to our doctor the next morning and called the
social worker at midnight when I saw them on him. We know now
the birth mom was not only binge drinking while pregnant but was also
on Meth
so our baby was in withdrawal and still today has sensory
issues.
The first night at five days he didn't sleep at all,
so I neither did I. We put a bed in our room for him and by two
months he did start sleeping through most of the night. He would also
roll onto his stomach and would scoot from one end of the bed to the
other. Not really a normal thing for a baby so young to do. We tried
to keep him on his back but the only two ways he wanted to sleep was
in his car seat or on his stomach. Through out the night I would move
him from one place to the other and try to put him on his back again
but he was very unhappy with that so we would go back to the car
seat. I bought him a nice bouncy seat and he would sleep in that for
a short time but still wanted to be in the car seat. During the day
he slept better in his own bed but he wanted to be carried anytime he
was awake not rocked and cradled but carried he wanted to be moving.
My husband would stay up after I went to bed at night and he would
lay on his chest and sleep while my husband watched TV. Then when he
was ready to sleep it was my turn to take him. He had trouble eating
right from the beginning too. It would take me over three hours to
get 2 ounces in him so by the time he was almost finished with one
bottle it was time for the next one. He ate very slowly and would
fall asleep while I was trying to feed him. I would rub his cheeks to
try to get him to eat more.
Our first Easter with the boys
Christopher 2mo.(above)
Tyler and Stephen (below)
Our first year with our boys was
one of amazement as they grew to be their own little persons and the
wonderful changes they went through. There were also just as many
challenges things we had never had to deal with before.
Tyler still
comes up with new things for us just to make sure we are still paying
attention and up for a new challenge.
Christopher, climbing before he could crawl
We
have dealt with things like Tyler peeing all over his bed and his
bedroom floor and twice he smeared his poop all over his room and
furniture. We tried putting him in preschool but had to take him back
out because the behaviors got so bad. Tyler came with a lot of
baggage and most of it was not good. Not only does he have
FAS/FASD
but he also has reactive attachment disorder, ODD oppositional
defiant disorder, conduct disorder, PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, an anxiety disorder and a mood
disorder which we now see as bi-polar disorder and ADHD
 |
| Tyler and Stephen (Tigger) Spring 2008 |
Stephen came with his own set
of issues, though when they were placed with us he didn't have any
kind of a diagnoses yet.
They were all diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome, after being here for nine months. All three of our boys had
all the physical requirements to be diagnosed with FAS and some they didn't
have to have. They had a lot genetic testing done at that time also
but we never got any results we assumed there wasn't anything unusual
with them.
Stephen (Tigger/Tig) summer 2008
We
have very clear rules in our home and we stick with them. Children
with fetal alcohol syndrome have to have very strong clear
boundaries. They only see things in back and white so if you say "no"
to something it needs to stay no. When you allow them to play with
something you can't change it from day to day. It does take some
thinking ahead which is hard to do when they have already been living
with you for several months. We also ask them if they understand what
we are saying to them and most of the time I have them explain what
they need to do back to me so I know that they really do understand.
Often times they didn't understand at all.
Tyler had a huge
vocabulary but he didn't understand the words he was using. The boys
love to help out around the house. One day when Tyler had been acting
up I told him he would have to help me with my work because I wasn't
able to get it done since he was taking up all of my time by acting
up. He was having a down day, but when he was wiping out the bathtub
he had a smile on his face. When he helped me put the laundry into
the washing machine he was happy. It wasn't a negative consequence
like I had thought.
Helping has actually built up his self esteem so now I try
to find things they can do. I am normally a very picky person and
things have to be done a certain way. I have let go of most of that,
the boys help fold their clothes and I help match them up. They pick out
what they want to wear each day unless we are going to church.
We
decorated the boys bedroom before we knew it would over stimulate
them. Tyler has been moved to his own room since it wasn't working
well with them sharing a room.
His room is very plain and simple
because he is not able to function with too much in it. He has a
plain tan curtain and a plain tan cover on his bed. I took most of
the decorations out of the other bedroom and that has helped. I also have light
dampening curtains on their windows which have helped greatly at nap
time. I hope that we will be able to slowly move somethings in that
the boys want.
Tyler would like to have a Spider Man bedroom but tore
up his table and chairs that was in his room which had Spider Man on
it.They pulled the new wall paper off the wall in their room and the
old wall paper too. Stephen climbed up and got the things down off
the shelves so all of those had to be taken out also.
We
do things to help the boys with bonding like all of us dressed in
overalls and went to church. We also had our fall pictures taken in
them. At Christmas we all wore red shirts even their older sister had
one on. This helps them see us as a whole unit, a real family. It has
been harder on Tyler who fears being moved out of our home. He knows
we are adopting him but he has been moved several times in the past.
I went to my daughters while she was in the hospital and had to stay
over night Tyler was very upset that I was gone. He had nightmares
that his birth mother broke into our home and took him away.
We
have a bedtime routine, the boys have a snack if they have been good
that day. I read them a story and then my husband rocks each one
while I sit with the other one. I rock them at different times and we
both make sure we hold them during the day. Also lots of hugs and
kisses are exchanged.
They are very loving children. We have to do
intentional bonding and feel that Stephen has already bonded to us as
his parents. He happily tells everyone, “we are a family” with a
big smile on his face. Tyler who loves us is still struggling with
his fear of being moved or taken from us, so he holds back a bit
which is a normal thing for him to do.
Every
night we each say one good thing about everyone else at the dinner
table this helps us to build their self esteem and helps with the
bonding at the same time. The boys love doing this and when we get to
the baby we all clap for him. On Friday nights we just started having
family night where we play a game or watch a children’s movie and
have popcorn with the boys.
Stephen is three now, he is potty
trained and he even stays dry most nights. He talks in sentences now
using three to four words. We tried to get him into speech therapy
but were told wrongly, the funding has been cut and they didn't
have any room for him. My husband and I work with him everyday on his
speech. It is seldom that he isn't talking now. A few weeks ago he
came into the kitchen and asked me to bake a cake with him. I asked
him, "why should I bake a cake with you?" He relied,
"because I used my words." I couldn't argue with that so we
baked a word cake that evening. He is still not at his age level
because he never will be. have worked for over a year to teach
him colors we have done red day and just when I think he has it, he
doesn't so then we did red week. It took over a year for him to
finally get his colors and then one day he just had them he still
made some mistakes but for the most part he had them. This is very
common with children who have FAS.
He is learning his letters and knows the alphabet song. He can write
a couple of the letters in his name. He is able to count up to 14 for
some reason he tends to forget the number 5. He is a very happy
and loving little boy, he is full of life and energy and make us
smile a lot.
Tyler
is doing much better, he still has rages but they are fewer, less
intense and farther in between. He still pees his pants when he is
angry and we are still working on this issue. He does not have any
physical problems that cause this. He has not pooped in his pants in
months. He has learned how to write his first name and is learning
his last name. He knows his address and I am teaching him our home
phone number. He can write most of his letters and is learning the
sounds. We don't know if he will be ready for school next year
emotionally, we are waiting before we make that decision but he will
be reading soon. He has his cycles of being very down and then he has
cycles of being very hyperactive. Both have their down sides and both
has positives. It hurts me to see him when he feels so down but he is
also more sneaky about doing things
during those times and has to be
watched more closely. 
Our
first Christmas with our boys, Tyler, Stephen and Christopher
Christopher,
the baby just turned one, he is walking and he is into everything. We
have never had to child proof our home the way we have had to with
him.
He
likes to climb and he likes tight spaces. He has a temper when he
wants something but we hope he will learn like the other two are,
that the tantrums don't work. He gives us hugs and kisses now, but it
took some work to get him to that point. He is very bonded to both
myself and my husband. He doesn't just go to anyone the way the two
older boys did at first. We were told that at best because of the
amount the birth Mom had drank during this pregnancy he would be
mentally retarded however Christopher is above average and if he
can't get somewhere he drags toys over and climbs them to get what he
wants. He can open most baby gates so we had to buy the metal ones.
He is very active and strong but most of all he is very happy and
spoiled. He sleeps with my husband and I and is very comfortable
there.
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|
Christopher's
1st birthday
with
his favorite toy.
|
The
biological parental rights were terminated on the father, the birth
Mom signed off on her rights. A few months later they filed to
terminate their rights for Peanut/Christopher our youngest. Both were
incarcerated at that time and upon being served in court with the
papers they both signed him over. That was a huge weight off of my
shoulders to say the least. It was one among many days with our boys I will never forget, what a wonderful surprise!
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|
Robert and I
with our boys in Oct. 2008
|
These
are a few of the things we have dealt with during the first year with
our boys. Along with all the negative things there have also been so
many positive things. These three boys have been such blessings to my
husband and to myself. We will continue to learn as much and we can
and we are also trying to educate teen girls about the effects of
alcohol. We are both very committed to helping these boys have the
best life possible. I know we will make mistakes but we pray our love
for them will over come the those things. At the end of our first
year we had a "We Are A Family" party this was because we
were not able to adopt them as quickly as we would have liked and to
help mainly Tyler know that we would be his family forever.
We
also take the boys shopping, out to eat and Tyler and the baby are in
church every Sunday with me.
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The cake from our
1st year anniversary party with our boys
Not the end, This is only the beginning...
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